Episode 6

Vic and Herm - Sober, Alcohol Free Stories and being brave

Published on: 25th October, 2024

Today I talk to Hermoine about her sober curious journey, how Christmas wine from school parents was a temptation too far, and how she continues to try to understand her relationship with alcohol shifting the balance of control in her favour. Hermoine reminds us beautifully that it's not always a one off decision to stop drinking, and that self compassion and reflection is key to learning and evolving.

Transcript
Speaker:

Hi, everybody.

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I'm Vic and I don't drink.

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Today, I'm going to talk to

my friend had Moni ammonia.

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Tony's going to share how her gate

crashing a friend's art class smart.

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The start.

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The sober, curious journey.

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And how being brave can really

help you to become the person.

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. vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Hi

Hermoine, how are you doing?

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

doing good Vic, it's so nice to see you.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: It's

lovely to see you as well.

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thank you so much for coming on today.

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Wonderful to have you with me.

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And for anyone who's listening,

Hermoine and I have been friends

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for a very, very long time.

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we met gosh, 30

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

oh my goodness me, this is when

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we realise, what age we are.

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early 20s, so yeah, 20, 25 years?

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

Something like that.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: after

university and we're drawn to each other.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: but

we did have a wonderful time

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and some real highs and lows.

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And Hermione, like me, has come to

the realization that Perhaps alcohol

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doesn't always serve her well.

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So she's very kindly, decided to come

on and talk to us about that story.

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and I call her Mornie H, so

it's going to be H from now on.

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I think it is much less formal for us.

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H,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Yes.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: the story

that I ask, that I ask everyone

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to tell is completely their own.

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And I know obviously lots about what

you've been through, in your time, but

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it would be really good just to hear.

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a little bit about you, who you

are now, and then a bit about your

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sliding doors moments and how you

came to the decision that alcohol

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possibly isn't your best friend.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I would love to share

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my rambling story, Vic.

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But also, thank you very much for

inviting me onto your podcast.

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I know my first message back to you was,

Oh, no, actually, I'm not really sure

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I'm the sort of person that you'd want to

talk to, because I would call myself sober

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curious, if that's a thing, so it's still

very much, a voyage of discovery for me,

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really, who, who am I with and without

alcohol, but it's been a very enlightening

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experience, especially having just

finished my psychology degree as well,

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that's really helped me to understand kind

of what's happening to me when I do drink.

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because I never used to drink.

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even when I think back to school

days and everyone was sort of

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down at the youth club with their

diamond wine and, I'd have a sip

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and be like, Oh, that's disgusting.

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Why do you want to get drunk?

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Do you know what I mean?

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My parents didn't drink.

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none of my friends did.

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So really,, it wasn't on

my radar at all until I got

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together with my now ex husband.

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So he was three years older than me.

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and yeah, we'd go out and we'd just drink

and I just suddenly found myself drinking.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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yourself to love it, I suppose.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

You know that first sip and you're

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like, Oh God, it's just the ethanol,

you know, it's just horrible.

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But you do it like that

first cigarette, you know,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I think when I was younger,

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I was incredibly shy.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I wasn't very confident in social

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situations and actually those

sips of alcohol, I was like, Oh,

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actually I'd let loose a little bit.

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I mean, Oh, I'm really fun.

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it was a confidence thing.

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So I would find myself then in social

situations where I'd be like, Oh, we'll

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just, I'll have a drink before I go out.

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particularly in the university

days, it was a thing that we did

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to save money as well, wasn't it?

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Mm-Hmm?

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Go down Threshers, three

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bottles of wine for a tenner.

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Save yourself some

money before you go out.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: of wine for a 10.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh my god.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: age.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I know, because I remember going

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down to the Threshers when I

lived in Cardiff with Karen?

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Drunk Bridesmaid.

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another story.

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yeah, we used to go down, like, with our,

get our pennies together and da da da.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

thinking back to those times, Vic, you

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know, it was the 90s, there was a whole,

La Dette culture, they were trying to

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sell us Alka Pops, it was Pound a Pint,

in a way, not saying that we're not

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culpable, it was part of our culture.

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Do you know what I mean?

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It was, part of our identity.

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And I think that sense of, again,

like from a psychology point

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of view, that sense of wanting

to belong to a group as well.

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everyone was doing it, so you did it,

and it was just a normal thing to do.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: But

it did, you know, it did start to spiral.

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I probably wasn't aware of how much

I was drinking because everyone

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around me was drinking the same.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah.

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definitely at university.

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I was

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: a friend

of mine who I shared a room with

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at university, about this podcast.

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And we were saying that we

remember one night where we

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tried not to go out and drink.

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we were in our room and literally trying

really hard not to leave the house.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh my God.

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It's mad, isn't it?

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: succeed.

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We left.

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We couldn't deal with it.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: wrong

with that because everyone was

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doing it and everyone was out

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Actually.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: So

completely understand what you mean.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And it's that, cognitive dissonance, it's

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almost like you know what you're doing is

not healthy, you know it's kind of wrong

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for you, and you know it doesn't really

serve you, but you're doing it anyway, and

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you're justifying it because everyone else

is doing it, so you kind of get caught in

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this loop,

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Of behaviours and yes, it is a

very addictive substance and it

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does marvellous things to your

brain to make it that way as well.

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The more you drink, the

more you need for that buzz.

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So yeah, I went sort of on and off

with the drinking, but like I said,

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it was just very, it was normal.

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All my friends did it, and then going,

into my 20s and 30s, it was still

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very much part of my everyday life.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but it was never just a

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glass of wine with dinner.

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It was a bottle, because why would you?

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What do you need bottle stops for?

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I remember always like making that joke as

well, like, Oh, I don't need a bottle stop

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because I'm going to finish the bottle.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: and

then in my marriage, drinking was very

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much part of our relationship as well.

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We are divorced and we have been divorced

for 12 years, but I can reflect on that

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period and see how I didn't quite see the

things that were breaking down in that

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marriage because of the alcohol as well,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Well, it

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

right?

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It

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: an anesthetic.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

absolutely does.

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And I think, I, I've used

it as a coping mechanism

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

over the years, but for different reasons.

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So to start with, it was, I'm a bit

more confident, I'm a bit more fun.

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then as I got a bit older, Not

quite happy in that situation, not

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quite happy in that relationship

or, let's go to the happy moments.

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I feel really happy.

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Let's have a drink.

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I feel really sad.

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Let's have a drink.

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Something awful just happened.

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I have a drink.

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I remember phoning you the

night that my marriage came to a

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

and I hadn't had a drink for ages.

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the first thing I did after speaking to

you was I went out and bought some wine.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Oh my

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I just needed you.

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No, I don't.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: that to

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Well, actually it was you, sorry.

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Actually, the trigger

in all of this is you.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I'll take that.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

But yeah, so, it's been a coping

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mechanism, for so many things.

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But it's in that moment of

being sober, I've realised,

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how controlling it has been.

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like a literal and figurative

toxic relationship.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: that is

very much how I see alcohol as well.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: for me, ending

that relationship, but I had to be

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completely ending the relationship.

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So you know, not that horrible boyfriend

that managed to sneak his way back in.

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But actually, no, absolutely.

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It's a no from now on for me, because

just, couldn't try to do the moderation

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and then like managing the situation and

that voice of it will be okay this time,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, it'll be different this time.

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I can control it.

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I can moderate it.

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Oh, and then we justify it

again, that cognitive dissonance.

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Oh, well, I deserve it.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: And you feel

like it's at that, when I've been at

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the beginning, when I've been in that,

position of losing that relationship,

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if you like, if we have the parallel,

I absolutely had to remind myself that

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there was nothing about it that was good.

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And I had to get rid of that dissonance.

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It had to be true for me.

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And I mean, really true for me that this

is not something that I actually enjoy.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

literally immersed myself.

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I can't

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Hmm.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: how much

podcasts, how much books or like

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everything just to get my brain to go,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Hmm.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

actually, this isn't the positive

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thing it's been telling you is

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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And that's the thing, isn't it?

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Your, it absolutely does trick your brain.

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It changes your neural pathways,

you know, I said about the dopamine.

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I mean, that, is depressed, your

serotonin levels drop, you know,

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all these things that are designed

to make you feel good and help your

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memory and all this sort of stuff.

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it has an effect on your mental health.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

No question about it.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah.

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And I wonder what that does, you

know, when you talked earlier about

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your confidence in the beginning and

perhaps you drank for confidence.

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I think lots of people do that because I

think, particularly when you're like an

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awkward teen and you're coming into, those

situations where you want to feel good.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

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And it's a legal drug.

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I think if alcohol never existed and

somebody just came up today and went,

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Oh, I've just made this new substance.

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Do you want to try it?

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I'd be like, Oh my

actual God, what is that?

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Here, have some poison.

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Supermarkets are filled with shells of it.

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You know, it's crazy.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I know.

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So what changed then?

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What changed for you that made you

even think about stopping this?

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Was there a sliding doors moment

or was it a buildup of events?

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What was it?

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Honestly, it'd been a build

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up, I've always considered

myself to be very self aware.

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I wasn't always comfortable with, the

fact that I was drinking quite heavily.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Mm hmm.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

even saying it now, you know,

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there's so much kind of shame and

guilt attached to it, , you feel

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like you're not a proper functioning

human, , but actually, oh my god, um,

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so yeah, it was a gradual build up of.

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things, really.

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And I, again, that control thing,

I just wanted to take control.

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because my day would be defined by it.

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I would have what you call the, what

is it, the witch, the wine witch.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

she'd literally pop up.

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So I'd be in a lecture or something,

for example, and I'd be like, Oh,

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this, I'm having a really good day.

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I'm really enjoying this lecture.

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Oh, I can't wait to have

a glass of wine later on.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

So my whole day would revolve around

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it, not in a wake up and put up,

you know, I'm a serial kind of way,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but it would be there.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: The chatter.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, and I'm not going to lie.

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the voice is still there now.

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I'm thinking, Oh, this is great.

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I can have a glass of wine.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but I'm not,

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So it was, it was a buildup of things

Vic, and I didn't like who I was becoming.

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I didn't like how I felt in the mornings.

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My anxiety, I was feeling very low.

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I didn't like the fact that my

daughter was getting older and she

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was making comments about my drinking.

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Not that, like, oh mummy, you're drunk.

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Because, you know, I'm an absolute

hate when I'm drunk, and, It's

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great when they're younger.

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When they get older, they're

like, Oh, Mummy, you're drunk.

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Like, you're talking very loudly, Mummy.

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Are you drunk?

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And, oh, I didn't want to be, I

didn't want to be that person.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: My daughter said

to me once before I stopped drinking,

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Mummy, you've got your drunk voice on.

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Yes.

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Oh, my God.

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And you just think, oh, what

have I, what I've become?

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Like, just the shame.

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And I felt that I wasn't a good mum.

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I wasn't a good daughter.

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I wasn't a good friend.

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Because I'd be going out

and, again, life and soul.

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But people would be telling me stuff

and then the next day I'd not remember.

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Or I'd think, oh God, what did I say?

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I know I've done it with

you a couple of times.

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I've sent you messages, like, oh

God, I'm so sorry I sent that.

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And you're like, what?

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I didn't even, didn't even notice.

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But your mind, in that state, you're

thinking, I think I just felt embarrassed.

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But the, there was a bit of a sliding

door moment at the end, which was,

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I'd had a bottle of wine very quickly,

a glass and then another glass and my

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friend just happened to be over the road.

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in the church doing an art group.

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She was a personal carer for someone.

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I thought it'd be brilliant

to go over and say hello.

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They just finished up their

painting, but it was taking a long

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time for their paintings to dry.

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So they had a few hair dries.

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I was like, I'll help out.

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And I managed to smudge

a couple of paintings.

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I offered to do some art sessions

over the next couple of months.

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Oh my gosh, Vic, the next day I just died,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

absolutely died, all the feelings,

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all the shame, and yeah, I just, I was

like, that's it, I can't do it anymore,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: it's the,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

absolutely mortified.

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Yes, what must they have thought of me

and yeah, I mean I can laugh about it now,

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it is still quite a funny story because

my friend's actually got her picture

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up on the wall with a smudge on it and,

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: oh

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but I do kind of look at

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it and I'm like eeeeee.

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And actually, again, I remember

messaging you probably the day after

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to, to tell you what I did, because

actually I needed to tell someone and

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then I knew you'd understood and I

needed to be, I needed to own that.

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vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

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squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

because there's so much secrecy

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around the whole thing of

drinking anyway, isn't there?

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And I, I found it relatively

easy, for about eight months.

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I was just determined.

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I was like enough is actually

enough, like I don't want to do this.

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And then something happened

around Christmas time and I,

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I was working in a school.

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It may have had something to do with

like the 20 bottles of wine that children

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had bought me, which I tried to re gift.

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I kid you not.

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I'm like, oh, more alcohol.

341

:

No more, I just can't.

342

:

I know.

343

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

to buy teachers wine.

344

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, please don't buy them.

345

:

They don't order drink wine.

346

:

But, and I've managed to kind of give a

lot of it away and I found myself just, I

347

:

had the Christmas feel, I love Christmas.

348

:

Ah, it just fill my heart.

349

:

But I had a moment of just feeling

incredibly alone, I was like.

350

:

Oh, something's missing.

351

:

I'm gonna have a glass of red wine.

352

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

whisper was there.

353

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Just one.

354

:

Just a little glass of wine.

355

:

Do you know what else I'm gonna do?

356

:

I'm gonna go out and

buy myself some cheese.

357

:

So I'm gonna make it a cheesy wine

thing and put it on a Christmas film.

358

:

And that's all I'm gonna have.

359

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

360

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

do you know what?

361

:

I only had two glasses.

362

:

And I was like, yep,

that's all under control.

363

:

But gradually it became a bottle

again, and it's kind of gone up

364

:

and down since then due to various

kind of life events and things.

365

:

Nothing horrid's happened, but

just a few kind of trigger points.

366

:

So I'm learning how to navigate

those in more healthy ways for me.

367

:

Yeah.

368

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: And it's really

difficult Christmas is something that

369

:

lots of people really struggle with.

370

:

Because if you have associations,

well there's, for me

371

:

there's a couple of things.

372

:

There's the summer, sitting outside

373

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh my God.

374

:

Yes.

375

:

Instant connection with

the sunshine, isn't it?

376

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: You go past

a pub and everyone's sitting there.

377

:

And I think, oh, how glamorous they look.

378

:

You know,

379

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

380

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: to

really use the play it forward

381

:

tool for myself for that, because

382

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

383

:

Yeah.

384

:

Yeah.

385

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I sit outside

a pub at three o'clock in the afternoon

386

:

on a nice Saturday afternoon is not

pretty but it's funny how your brain

387

:

can tell you that it really is.

388

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh, and it does it in an instant.

389

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Very

hard to tell your brain when

390

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh, it is.

391

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: long.

392

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, and, for me, Vic, like you said,

393

:

the whole brain thing's really helped me.

394

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

395

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: So I

label it, I'm like, right, okay, you need

396

:

to find your dopamine fix somewhere else.

397

:

You need to search for your serotonin.

398

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yes.

399

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: so

that might be Having a really nice chai

400

:

latte, which I'm quite into at the moment.

401

:

It might be sticking on some tunes, going

for a walk, you know, move your body if

402

:

you need to, if you're feeling anxious.

403

:

meditations also really help.

404

:

Watching some trashy TV,

just any, phone a friend.

405

:

Watch some stuff on TikTok, just

find your little pockets of joy.

406

:

and you will find, that, that voice.

407

:

It does come and go.

408

:

Do you know what I mean?

409

:

It doesn't, mine doesn't linger.

410

:

It will just be little snippets

like, Oh, have a glass of wine,

411

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

412

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but that's just my brain's

413

:

link with it, you know?

414

:

And it's just changing that thinking.

415

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

and it's pausing, isn't it?

416

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, it absolutely is.

417

:

And that's, a big part

of meditation as well.

418

:

It's, you know, like watching the,

watching the clairs pass through the

419

:

sky, sensing that and what you let

is acceptance, commitment therapy.

420

:

Don't know if you've heard of

it, Vic, but it's letting those

421

:

uncomfortable thoughts come in.

422

:

You sit with them and

then they will go again.

423

:

Like they don't define you.

424

:

Yes, but that's the whole thing.

425

:

You know, this whole drink.

426

:

I drink to be happy.

427

:

I drink when I'm sad, da, da, da.

428

:

All of those feelings are

part of everyday life anyway.

429

:

And like you said, the alcohol

isn't serving that or taking

430

:

it away or making it better.

431

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

432

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

It's just there with you on the journey.

433

:

If anything, it just exacerbates it.

434

:

It's not a helpful friend, actually,

435

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

is not a helpful friend.

436

:

I'm a

437

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: no.

438

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: friend.

439

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yes, . But that's the thing, yeah,

440

:

check in with a friend, just anything.

441

:

Pockets of joy.

442

:

And something I've learnt working,

in a school with small humans,

443

:

you know, they're not drunk.

444

:

They don't need wine.

445

:

They are free.

446

:

They are full of joy.

447

:

They are literally, like,

90 percent serotonin.

448

:

And there's so much to be

learnt from watching them go.

449

:

Do you know what I mean?

450

:

They're mindful 24 seven.

451

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

452

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Brilliant.

453

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

454

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

yeah, that's really helped me.

455

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I think

almost everyone that I've spoken

456

:

to has referenced that in some

way How there was a point in your

457

:

life where you didn't drink alcohol

458

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, exactly.

459

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: very free

460

:

think that it might have been Nick

recently on another podcast talking

461

:

about think about that, you know, when

you're thinking I need it actually

462

:

try and find that moment of where you

had a lot of freedom and happiness

463

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, that joy, that freedom.

464

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

465

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Phenomenal.

466

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: And I know that

you still have your struggles about it.

467

:

And I know that you didn't want

to come on this because of that.

468

:

And I'm glad I pushed you because, it's

really important because there's lots

469

:

of people who are curious about this

or have given it a go and have lasted

470

:

a while or haven't lasted a while.

471

:

So maybe just lurking, just

wondering what it's all about still,

472

:

but it's really useful to have.

473

:

your thoughts on it and

where you've got to.

474

:

So what do you think your biggest

challenge is with this then?

475

:

what's the blocker that

stops you saying that's it?

476

:

Is there something what is it?

477

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I don't know.

478

:

I guess if I knew what the block

was, then there wouldn't be one.

479

:

That sounds very facetious, isn't it?

480

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: No,

481

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

But I.

482

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: true.

483

:

It's true, I suppose.

484

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I, I think, like you said in the

485

:

past, I've been very hard on myself.

486

:

something I always say to other

people, generally more about

487

:

mental health, but this applies

here is that, nothing is linear,

488

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yes.

489

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

said to me like,

490

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

491

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

is not linear, so you're going

492

:

to have up and down days.

493

:

So, that's why I call this

a voyage of discovery.

494

:

because I don't want to

drink and I'm not drinking.

495

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

496

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

self compassionate.

497

:

If I were to have a drink, I would try not

to give myself too much of a hard time.

498

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: fairly common and

actually for lots of people is an easier

499

:

way to approach this than the kind of

finite, I'm not going to do this anymore.

500

:

There's other people like me where

that would be torturous because

501

:

I would feel like, I was constantly

having the conversation in my head.

502

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

yeah.

503

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: you've known me

a long time and I'm very black and white.

504

:

I'm doing it or I'm not doing it.

505

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah, and I love that.

506

:

I think, yeah,

507

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: been

helpful in this situation.

508

:

It's not always helpful in all situations.

509

:

I know that much too, but I just wondered

if there was something that was, making

510

:

it harder for you to make that decision.

511

:

Or if it is, as you say,

just, it's more of a voyage.

512

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

no, thinking about the block, I

513

:

think probably somewhere I still

see it as a coping mechanism.

514

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

515

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but I don't want to use it as one.

516

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

517

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: And

like I said, I'm figuring out other ways

518

:

to cope with my triggers and stresses

519

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

520

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I want to get to a point where,

521

:

and I think I am there, um,

where I do feel in control of it.

522

:

So I don't have to have a drink.

523

:

I can go, a few weeks.

524

:

I can go out without drinking.

525

:

I can have one drink now, but quite

often I'll just choose not to, so

526

:

yeah, it's just sort of reframing my

relationship with alcohol really and

527

:

understanding why I'm doing it and

if I'm doing it for the right reasons.

528

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: And I

think you're absolutely right.

529

:

Like if the reason is it's a coping

mechanism, it's not the right reason.

530

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: No.

531

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: it's great

that you can see that and like

532

:

looking back on your story, you can

see where that was a thing all the

533

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Hmm.

534

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: It's a real

535

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Absolutely.

536

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

537

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: do

it when you're in that state because you

538

:

don't have the capacity to reflect and

think about what it is actually doing.

539

:

And when you do, it's

uncomfortable and then you ignore

540

:

it and you carry on doing it.

541

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

542

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

yeah.

543

:

Yeah.

544

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: you

get, well, certainly I got

545

:

quite high anxiety with alcohol.

546

:

So, I like you,, if something great had

happened or something bad had happened,

547

:

that was sort of my go to, woo, let's

have a drink or boo, let's have a

548

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but don't you think as well, Vic,

549

:

we had an element of, FOMO when

we were drinking back in the day?

550

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yes.

551

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: I'd

be the one that was up all night and I'd

552

:

go to bed when everyone was getting up,

553

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

554

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

but I'd still drink in that time.

555

:

Like, what was that?

556

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

557

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

How am I not dead?

558

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

chasing something, isn't it?

559

:

Yeah, I know.

560

:

I don't know.

561

:

I mean, I thought I was a machine,

but you were also a machine.

562

:

I mean, to be able to stay up

all night like that, mind you,

563

:

who wants to stay up all night

when you can have a lovely sleep?

564

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Oh, yes, the loveliest sleep.

565

:

I wake up without any hangover

or headache or anxieties.

566

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

Oh, it's so nice, isn't it?

567

:

That's the

568

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

569

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: The best bit

for me is when you wake up in the morning

570

:

and you didn't send a stupid message to

someone or do anything weird like that.

571

:

I don't have to check my phone

or ring my friend and say,

572

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And I think that's one of the first

573

:

things you said to me was about,

when you think about the next day,

574

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

575

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: when

you do get that voice in your head, you

576

:

go, actually this might serve you now.

577

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

578

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

tenfold it ain't gonna, you know,

579

:

so think of your future self and

again, it's that self-compassion

580

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yes.

581

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: way.

582

:

Um, and also I think they're

going off on a tangent the whole.

583

:

drinking, not drinking thing.

584

:

as well as it holding up a mirror

to yourself, it also holds up a

585

:

mirror to other people around you.

586

:

I don't know if you've found this

Vic, but when you first stopped,

587

:

and obviously we're known in the

past for lacking awareness too.

588

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Mm hmm.

589

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And when you say to people, you're

590

:

not drinking, they're like, Why?

591

:

And you can almost see the discomfort in

their brains, they're like, Oh my god,

592

:

does that mean I'm drinking too much?

593

:

Like, do I have to stop drinking as well?

594

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Well,

595

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And then,

596

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: being around

sober people when I was drinking.

597

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: oh,

me too, I'd be like, why don't you drink?

598

:

What's wrong with you?

599

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: And

it was a really weird feeling.

600

:

Like, if you were out for an evening,

for dinner, and you weren't drinking

601

:

that night when I was drinking, I

actually would have been a bit annoyed.

602

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I'd be like, what's wrong with you?

603

:

Antibiotics, one drink will be fine.

604

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah, come on.

605

:

Gosh,

606

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

my god.

607

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: isn't it?

608

:

But that's the control.

609

:

That's what it has.

610

:

It made you think this isn't

going to be as much fun, not only

611

:

with if I drink or not, but if you

drink or not, it's such a, just so

612

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Yes.

613

:

It's mad.

614

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

Basically, women of our

615

:

generation, It's kind of not

our fault that we drink so much.

616

:

Think back to the LADET culture of the

90s, and we've kind of grown up with that.

617

:

And actually, there is a public health

concern about women of our age in

618

:

particular, because of all this drinking.

619

:

interestingly as well, is a

change in alcohol cultures

620

:

with the younger generation.

621

:

So there is actually, they

are seeing a decrease.

622

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: Okay.

623

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

Something that I witnessed when I

624

:

went back to university, I made this

presumption they'd all be going to bars.

625

:

They were like, no, we're

just going to go for a coffee.

626

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: Wow.

627

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

a juice.

628

:

And I think it's all around, more

value and acceptance being placed

629

:

on diversity and personal choice.

630

:

It's okay to be a little

bit more different than it

631

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: Yeah.

632

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

when we were younger.

633

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: Yeah.

634

:

Yeah.

635

:

Oh, it's completely okay.

636

:

I love it.

637

:

And we're, we're both

examples of that now.

638

:

And actually that's a really nice

thing because we are examples to our

639

:

sons and daughters, that you don't

have to do what everyone else does.

640

:

Do you?

641

:

And also just because you've done

something before doesn't mean

642

:

that you have to keep doing it.

643

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

and that's a beautiful thing.

644

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: it is.

645

:

squadcaster-iae9_2_10-16-2024_181644:

a lovely example to set as well.

646

:

vic_2_10-16-2024_181645: Yeah,

647

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yes

648

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And like, you know when I'm like

649

:

dragging you to see musicals and stuff?

650

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

651

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

you were like, you say I

652

:

didn't really like musicals.

653

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

654

:

I didn't enjoy it.

655

:

Well, one of the reasons I didn't

like them is that I would think,

656

:

to get to the bar, isn't it?

657

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: Yes.

658

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: it was a bit

of an interruption to my night out.

659

:

That's how I saw it.

660

:

If I'm honest.

661

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Do you know how many delicious

662

:

musicals I've watched sober?

663

:

it's lovely going out and

remembering things and enjoying

664

:

it in the moment, you know?

665

:

It's just priceless.

666

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I

went to see the Pet Shop Boys

667

:

sober and it was unbelievable.

668

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Exactly.

669

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: so good.

670

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

The amount of concerts in the past week

671

:

that I've gone to, like, I remember

going to one with Rob, halfway through,

672

:

I really had to go to the toilet.

673

:

Left.

674

:

Walked back in and walked into

the wrong side of the stadium.

675

:

I couldn't find him.

676

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Oh God.

677

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

were both so hammered.

678

:

We left before the concert even finished.

679

:

And that just says it all,

680

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: it

681

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

honestly.

682

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: It

683

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Who was that?

684

:

I don't know.

685

:

I mean, she was fun.

686

:

And that was one of the things I think

I worried about when I stopped drinking.

687

:

It's like, oh, who am I without alcohol?

688

:

Am I still going to be fun?

689

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

690

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

actually, yes.

691

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah,

692

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I won't embarrass myself anymore.

693

:

Well, I probably will, but I am more fun.

694

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: yeah.

695

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I feel more confident.

696

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: like I had to

literally say goodbye to that part of

697

:

me and realize that I am fun just the

way that I am and it's completely fine.

698

:

but that crazy fun, that's sort

of gone now for me, I suppose.

699

:

And sometimes, so recently I

was at a work conference And it

700

:

was the big gala dinner night.

701

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

702

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I was thinking,

Oh, I'll probably go to bed then.

703

:

And it was like half 10 and everyone

was just getting on the dance floor.

704

:

And I just took myself off to

bed and I did think to myself.

705

:

people, so I've been a relatively new

team and I was like, Oh, I hope they

706

:

don't all think I'm really boring

because like my old teams would all

707

:

have been like, Oh, Vic's crazy.

708

:

And she'll stay up

709

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

710

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: and

all those kinds of things.

711

:

then I did the play it forward and

like, how am I going to feel tomorrow?

712

:

And there wasn't many work conferences

that I went to that the next morning

713

:

I thought, well, that was great.

714

:

And I didn't make an idiot of myself.

715

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

716

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: I'd

717

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

And also I was going to say that

718

:

the people that were staying up late

and on the dance floor, they were

719

:

probably maybe a little bit too drunk

to even realize that you'd left.

720

:

Do you know what I mean?

721

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307:

idea that I'd gone.

722

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Exactly.

723

:

So it's like winner.

724

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: No one notices.

725

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Yeah.

726

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Last question.

727

:

If you were gonna talk to yourself before

you got curious about not drinking so

728

:

say Say the night before you went out

to that art thing, what would you say to

729

:

yourself about what you're capable of and

where you can get to if you don't drink?

730

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

I would say to myself that you

731

:

have no idea what you are capable

of if you only realise that

732

:

you are absolutely in control.

733

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yes.

734

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306: And

you are the only person that can decide

735

:

that, but you have absolute control

736

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

737

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

everything you do, everything you think.

738

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Yeah.

739

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

You just need to be brave.

740

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: Well, I think

you're extremely brave and thank you.

741

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Right back atcha.

742

:

Aww,

743

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: you for coming

on and telling everyone your story.

744

:

And I know there will be people

listening to this who just

745

:

think, God, she sounds like me.

746

:

I'm going to get a bit more

curious about it as well.

747

:

And you will have helped people.

748

:

I'm telling you, we will have

helped people by doing this.

749

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Thank you honey, it's been lovely.

750

:

vic_1_10-16-2024_173307: soon.

751

:

squadcaster-iae9_1_10-16-2024_173306:

Thank you.

752

:

Bye!

753

:

squadcaster-bg06_9_09-21-2024_084137:

Thank you for listening to our

754

:

Sober Alcohol Free Stories.

755

:

If you felt that it helped you, make

sure that you like, share and follow.

756

:

And leave a review on podchaser.

757

:

com.

758

:

And remember, make your

catchphrase, I don't drink

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About the Podcast

Sober, Alcohol Free Stories
"I Don't Drink"
If you’ve ever googled “do I drink too much” this podcast is for you!

This is for those of you who end up wondering what’s wrong with you, questioning how your friends can possibly drink so slowly, or worse can just have one with dinner (aliens). For those of you who have tried to moderate, just a Thursday, only red wine, not before 6, not after 9, not if I’m wearing blue 😊

For those of you who secretly don’t enjoy the theatre because you know the show will be an interruption to a booze filled evening. For those who fall out with loved ones, lose handbags, feel lonely or shameful the morning after, wear sunglasses on the school run, or enjoy way too many mints for an average human. For those who need something to change but feel it it’s impossible to break up with their loyal companion – booze.

The good news is you are NOT weird, or alone, there’s millions of us, just like you. You CAN stop drinking alcohol. I know this because until Jan 2022 I was all the above, and now “I don’t drink”.

In this podcast we will delve in to what it takes to become alcohol free in a society that’s quite frankly obsessed with drinking! I’ll talk to people just like you and me, some near the beginning of their alcohol-free life, and some further along, but all with one thing in common, the courage to stare booze in the face and say NO, NOT ME, NOT ANYMORE! They will share their sliding doors moments, regrets, loves, pink clouds and the tools that have helped them to succeed.

We will show you that life without the “wine witch” is actually pretty amazing, how we all thought we were losing something, but what we have gained is insurmountable. We will share how our lives transformed, skin began to glow, sleep became deep and relaxing, bodies became healthy, relationships flourished, careers progressed, and our minds were at peace. WE will show you that you deserve the chance to be happy and free and turn what may seem impossible into possible.

Listen along and join me in making your catchphrase “I don’t drink”.

About your host

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VICTORIA Banat